February 14, 2021
It’s ironic that I decided to write this on Valentine’s Day of all days. I want to be honest for once — life isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. I have seen some rough days and I always come here to talk about the silver linings or how I got through it. That’s not how this post is going to go. I am going to be straight up and say sometimes it doesn’t work.
I have been trying so hard to just do better. I signed up for a membership of Row House and I’m quickly getting my butt into great shape. I have been waking up early and getting out of bed to start my day every day. I have been putting a lot of time and effort into school and seeing great results. I have the best job watching the sweetest kiddos in the world. I have friends and family who love me. I should be really happy right? What if I told you I’m hitting a super low point in my life and nothing is helping to get me out of it.
I wake up every morning, make my bed, and try to get a good workout in. I go to bed every night and say my prayers. I am engaging in so many habits to live a happy healthy life. I can tell you I am a lot healthier, but currently I am not happy. I have hit this mental roadblock that holds me back constantly. I forget my worth and I always see myself as a second choice or merely an option. When I get in these places I cope in unhealthy ways like drinking alcohol or seeking male attention. That’s never a good idea. Mixing my feelings with unhealthy coping mechanisms leads to a huge mess. Last night for example, I said some really stupid things and hurt a person that I love. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt the people I love and yet it seems inevitable when I get into these dark places.
I lose sight of my worth constantly. I get in my head and I tell myself that I am not wanted. I look at my friends and think they can’t stand me. I think every guy in the world wants to use me to get close to other people in my life. I start to feel like I am the worst daughter in the world. I get into such a dark place that I think the no one in the world, not even God, could love me. So that’s where I’m at right now. There is nothing that can help me get out of it at the moment. I have no lesson learned. I just wanted to put this out there and let people know that it’s okay to not be okay. Usually I can find something to snap me out of my low point, but this time I don’t.
I’ve lost a lot of relationships in the past year. I push people away because I think I don’t deserve to be happy or to be loved. I let people walk all over me and I end up apologizing for it. At the end of the day, I know that the way I feel isn’t reality. Our minds are so powerful. My mind right now is paralyzing me. I know that I will get through this eventually, I always do. But tonight I wanted to normalize this reality. Tonight I am going to bed hurting down to my core. I don’t know if tomorrow will be any better. What I do know is that I’m going to get up every day and I am going to keep living, because that is much better than the alternative. I want anyone out there who may feel this way to know that you’re not alone and someday, I don’t know when, it will get better. Wake up in the morning and make your bed, that’s one thing we can always control. Just keep going.