May 26, 2020
It’s been a really long time since I’ve sat down and thought through my current life. I was temporarily distracted by the whole COVID-19 and online semester, but there is no excuse for me to stop reflecting. I had a tough few months leading up to this. School was harder than I could have ever imagined. I was rediscovering myself without having a guy around to define me. I had lifelong friendships end. I was struggling more than I would like to admit.
Today was one of the first days in a long time I was truly happy. I felt God place His hand on my back reminding me that He was always there. Throughout this stay at home craziness, I had glimpses of greatness. I was spending more time with my sister Ally before she gets MARRIED and leaves the house for the first time in our twenty years together. Ally pushed me to get back in shape, but like God she was there every step of the way. I woke up one morning and decided to cleanse my life of the depression I had been battling. I had clothes, shoes, you name it, piling up in my room to a point that I couldn’t walk in and out of my door. One morning I just got up and started cleaning. I kept cleaning until EVERYTHING was wiped down, put away, and truly clean. It took six hours…that’s how bad it was. But I did it and I’ve kept it that way ever since. I prepared to move on in life and move out for the first time ever. My life started to change, and I could see light at the end of my tunnel for the first time in a long time.
Today I woke up and decided to run by myself, without Ally pushing me to do it. As I was running and ready to give up, a cardinal flew out in front of me and lead me half of the way until I could finish on my own. I went on a long walk with my dad like I’ve done almost every day for the past three months, which has been so great for our relationship. My dad has shown me what I should look for in a man. I got a letter in the mail telling me I made dean’s list for the second time this year, and I really thought I wasn’t going to make it through the semester. I decided today that I deserved to actually be happy. I’ve stopped myself from being happy so many times out of fear and low self esteem telling me that I could never truly achieve it. Tonight I decided to end a two year long, toxic relationship with a boy who wasn’t even my boyfriend. In fact, he started to date someone else but continued to drag me along. I stayed strong and told him that I deserve better. He fought against me trying to convince me to stay, but God grabbed my hand and guided me through it.
So I sat down tonight to write about all of it. I have been seeing a bunch of my friends post about God and how strong they are in their faith. I had always envied them because I didn’t think I could ever achieve that kind of relationship with Him. I even told my friend Meri how much I admired her faith and that’s when she told me that she was always around to talk about my faith if I ever needed her. That conversation reminded me that God still has disciples on this earth to lead me to him, and she is one of those people along with SO many of my friends. I am so blessed to have a family that believes, but also to have such a large network of friends that do too.
It took me twenty years to really take in how amazing this life is. People are placed in your life to make an impact that ultimately should lead you to God. I fought it so many times. I always made excuses, like ‘ok I believe but I still want to do this.’ Today I woke up and I let God guide me. He took me so many places, but eventually led me to this true happiness that I have been longing for. How lucky am I to have a realization so young and have so many years to grow in this faith.