I could not tell you the last time I went to church. I could not even tell you the last time I sat down to write out my prayers. I having been constantly running away from my faith and I don’t have a real reason for it. As I result, I’ve ended up feeling this huge weight on my shoulders. I’ve felt alone and isolated even when I am in the presence of friends and family. I’ve been angry and upset at every little thing even the things of my past. You want to take a guess why? I lost the one relationship that I can always depend on.
September is national suicide awareness month. For a lot of you, that doesn’t mean much. To me, it’s everything. 14 year old Meghan didn’t see past freshman year of high school. I was young and got into some trouble, the kind of trouble that led to me getting seriously hurt. I thought it was the end, I didn’t want to live past that moment. Even at 21, I have flashbacks to that moment that cause me to freeze in time bringing all those feelings back. The thing is I found a way to make it 21 and I plan to make it past 21 God willing. That being said, some people aren’t as lucky. I knew personally knew people who weren’t as lucky, but I think God embraced them with open arms the day they decided to return home. Not only did I choose to live, but I’m hoping to bring life into the world with my future job.
What happened to me when I was 14 changed me permanently. It’s effected my relationships with men. It’s effected who I trust and let close to me. It’s effected how I view love. At one point this past year, I let down those walls and let someone in. I thought I loved this guy, but like 99% of relationships it ended. Just like that my walls went back up and 2x as high. I felt like I drove this guy away because I was broken, I didn’t think I was enough. So naturally every guy I’ve talked to since I’ve written off because I don’t want to go through it all again, even this last one that I genuinely liked a lot. I know what you’re thinking, who needs a guy to understand when you have friends? The thing is I feel this way with everyone. I don’t want to bring my friends down with my past trauma, especially when it’s something they can’t exactly relate to.
The reality is I know God gave me this struggle because he knew I could rise above it. Yes I am broken and I don’t always feel like I’m enough, but God thinks otherwise. Making it past age 14, rising above that one defining moment, may just help other girls like me. If that doesn’t help, then hopefully working with women in the health world will. I’m hoping that in addition to being a labor and delivery nurse, I can be trained as a SANE (sexual assault nurse examiner) nurse. I want to be the first person girls like me see when they go for help. I want to be the person that holds these girls hand through the whole process. I want to give girls like me the help that I didn’t get. I want them to know they aren’t alone in this process and there are resources out there. God put me through this so I can come out on the other side with a purpose. Maybe it’s time I go back and start talking with Him again, because without Him I lose sight of these things. It is never too late to turn back around, because He’s always waiting there with His arms wide open.